Stepping Into The Dark Unknown

I woke up today shaking. Not shaken. Not “very” nervous or “really” anxious. I literally woke up shaking. I’ve never woken up shaking before, so this was a new experience. Don’t worry I was not having a stroke. No need to call my mom or phone an ambulance.

I was simply afraid.

You see a couple of days ago I was reading a book that questioned the story my life was living. It questioned if I was truly living a great story. If a movie were made of my life would it be one that would compel people towards a grander, lofty perspective on life? Would it inspire, excite and delight audiences? I feel that if people watched my life now they would think, “This is fairly boring and I want my money back…plus this popcorn is making me feel sick why did I pay eight bucks for a bucket of hot corn lathered in a sea of curdled cow lactate and salt?”

While I would enjoy making people question the amount of money they spend on popcorn, I would much rather challenge myself, and others to change the world. To empower people toward positive change in themselves and to help bring positive change to the world around them. Because of this and more I put my two-week notice in at work and made the decision to pursue my dream of writing full time. To pursue my passions and see where they would take me.

Now this might sound hyper idealistic, but I’m earnestly not trying to be some sort of naïve college dropout romanticizing their artistic plight. This is no, “Save the world” one blog at a time pitch. This is not a scream for attention or just an escape from an incredibly unfulfilling job. I understand that you can’t always live your dreams. I know that hard work, pain, perseverance, and suffering are part of this whole, “being alive” gig. That being said, my head was having an increasingly difficult time escaping the voices pushing me to pursue the passions and desires erupting in my heart.

The list of quotes, analogies, and challenging truths that have guided me to this decision are too numerous to responsibly list here but there are a few noteworthy ones. The aforementioned book above is Donald Millers, “A Million Miles in a Thousand Years,” and has been the straw to break proverbial camels back in my decision process. The words of Peter Scazzero in, “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality” forced me to question if I was being faithful to who I actually wanted to be, or if I was the person my fear told me it was safe to be. Finally I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was made to be more than I was living up to. Maybe we can’t all live our dreams but what kind of fool would I be if I didn’t try while I was still young enough to do so without serious ramifications! So with these ideas running through my head and after a few key conversations I decided to put my two weeks in.

Fast forward to this morning.

My thoughts in the morning are always more depressed and pessimistic then those at night. Fear physically gripped me to the point of shaking. The visceral question “What are you doing?” raced through my head before I even had to chance to remember what I was doing and why I needed to question it.

I feel as though I’m standing on the edge of a precipice. Black swirling clouds billow infinitely in front of me and I can see no evidence that when I step out I’m not just going to fall forever. Faith demands I take a step and as I move out I can see one step at a time. My steps are lit only where I am, making each step clear only after I have committed to the action. I have little doubt that at the end of this journey, if I truly commit, I will find something magnificent and mysterious awaiting discovery amidst the clouds. A palace of possibilities lingers just beyond the familiar and safe.

So I’m stepping out. I’m terrified, but I’m excited and though I’ll face doubt daily, I’m ready.

I’m curious what will come of this time. Will this spur on a life of whimsy and adventure or will I crawl back to my boss in a month’s time with my tail between legs and beg for mercy? I don’t know. The only thing I know is this,

The future is a mystery and I intend to solve it.