Does God Care If I Succeed?

There is nothing I enjoy more on a rainy day then sitting with tea by my side and a fire to my back. I sip the bitter warmth and watch the sky wash the earth, quenching the thirst of the vegetation below. Apathy and appeasement lead me to the wondering whims of my brain as it drifts from thought to thought. There is a contentment found in allowing your questions to dance dizzily through your mind without demanding they find a resting place at the end. Like a good cliché I enjoy the scene amidst a coffee shop, because I own no fireplace of my own. My long hair is pulled up and hidden beneath a beanie to hide the fact I avoided both the natural and civilized form of showers. Intermittently I watch as faces of friends and strangers wonder past too preoccupied to notice my subtle gaze. There is a simple beauty to being invisible amidst the sea of people.

Among all this self-indulgent idealism a question lingers, unlike the others this one demands my attention. The question has been plaguing my oft-weary mind since I made the decision to strike out on my own and attempt to make my living on the uncertain seas of freelance writing. I work these waters, navigating my way through words and paragraphs as if I was Captain Ahab himself, and find a single unknowable question reappear time and time again.

Will I succeed?

As I ponder this question I seek answers from the all knowing and in doing so come to a question far more perturbing then the original.

Does God care if I succeed?

With terror I am coming to a greater conviction every day that the answer to this question in almost unequivocally no. No, God does not care. These words rip out from beneath me the safety net I’ve lived my entire life reliant on. Surely God wants me to pursue my dreams right? Surely God would not give me a desire to do something that would result in me landing face first in the dirt, embarrassed and shamefully begging for a job? Why would God send me out onto seas simply to see me sink below the waves of inexperience and immaturity in my craft?

I believe the answer to this riddle comes when I stop asking myself, “Why God would not always grant me success?” and instead ask, “What might God care about more than my success?” Before concluding I suppose I ought to back up and retrace my line of logic and experience that brought me to these convictions.

When I decided I wanted to quit me job, step out of the safety and comfort, and pursue a passion I truly wanted to live for I decided to talk to trusted family, friends, and mentors first. I wanted to pray about it to see if I could receive some clarity on this decision, in short to have a safety net on stepping out into the unknown. I wanted to know God would allow my sail happily along my way without sinking along the way. I desired to know with 100% certainty that the moves I was making were the ones I was supposed to make and that would make me succeed. Of course the only way to truly know that is to ask the one who makes the plans for our lives. Enter God.

So I made my plans to get my net back. I got together with the aforementioned groups and after much prayer with them as well as individually I found my fears to be true. Neither I nor anyone else received for me a single affirmative or negative note on my decision. Instead what I received was a series of verses that referred to the state of my heart. On my own I received Romans 12, a passage much to do with the state of our hearts toward serving God and others and little to do with pursuing your dreams (in fact it could be argued to being the opposite of that). When others spoke into my life we found Proverbs 3:5-6 to be reoccurring verses, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.” Again this pointed toward a state of my heart, not a matter of victory, success, or any affirmation of ability.

I reflected on this with some discouragement and frustration before coming to terms with this truth. God does not care whether I make a million dollars or two dollars, write a best selling book or write a page, am successful or spectacularly fail in front of friends and family. At least He does not care about any of these things in the way the world sees them. Rather God cares about whether throughout the journey my faith and trust rest upon Him.

Perhaps I will write essays and articles bursting with such beauty that it enlarges and enlightens the literary world. Alternatively I might spend a month spewing my thoughts into the whirlwind, unable to raise my voice above that of the storm. It matters little. If my heart is right before God, my motives pure and true, then much like the widow who presented her penny, her lack, her poverty, in gratefulness to God, I too will be justified by the one who sees my heart. To love God and love others is the greatest gift I can present and I pray that the time spent, with however long I’m given to spend my days producing poetry out of my poverty, be stripped of my pride and pretension and instead be filled with love for God. I pray that encouragement and enlightenment is instilled on those who read that, and that the words might build them up. This is the hope I am called to and as I follow the call to step out onto the seas, I am eager see if I’ll sink, swim, or stand on the waters presented before me.

This is the journey, admittedly explained in a style far more dramatic and self-indulgent then necessary, that I am heading toward. I would be honored by your presence on the voyage and if you feel obliged feel free to subscribe on the top right side to get emailed with more thoughts in the coming month. I will warn you, I will be producing a great deal of content so be warned, there will be an influx in your inbox. However, if you are interested I will love the company.

Thanks and Enjoy,
Colby

Stepping Into The Dark Unknown

I woke up today shaking. Not shaken. Not “very” nervous or “really” anxious. I literally woke up shaking. I’ve never woken up shaking before, so this was a new experience. Don’t worry I was not having a stroke. No need to call my mom or phone an ambulance.

I was simply afraid.

You see a couple of days ago I was reading a book that questioned the story my life was living. It questioned if I was truly living a great story. If a movie were made of my life would it be one that would compel people towards a grander, lofty perspective on life? Would it inspire, excite and delight audiences? I feel that if people watched my life now they would think, “This is fairly boring and I want my money back…plus this popcorn is making me feel sick why did I pay eight bucks for a bucket of hot corn lathered in a sea of curdled cow lactate and salt?”

While I would enjoy making people question the amount of money they spend on popcorn, I would much rather challenge myself, and others to change the world. To empower people toward positive change in themselves and to help bring positive change to the world around them. Because of this and more I put my two-week notice in at work and made the decision to pursue my dream of writing full time. To pursue my passions and see where they would take me.

Now this might sound hyper idealistic, but I’m earnestly not trying to be some sort of naïve college dropout romanticizing their artistic plight. This is no, “Save the world” one blog at a time pitch. This is not a scream for attention or just an escape from an incredibly unfulfilling job. I understand that you can’t always live your dreams. I know that hard work, pain, perseverance, and suffering are part of this whole, “being alive” gig. That being said, my head was having an increasingly difficult time escaping the voices pushing me to pursue the passions and desires erupting in my heart.

The list of quotes, analogies, and challenging truths that have guided me to this decision are too numerous to responsibly list here but there are a few noteworthy ones. The aforementioned book above is Donald Millers, “A Million Miles in a Thousand Years,” and has been the straw to break proverbial camels back in my decision process. The words of Peter Scazzero in, “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality” forced me to question if I was being faithful to who I actually wanted to be, or if I was the person my fear told me it was safe to be. Finally I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was made to be more than I was living up to. Maybe we can’t all live our dreams but what kind of fool would I be if I didn’t try while I was still young enough to do so without serious ramifications! So with these ideas running through my head and after a few key conversations I decided to put my two weeks in.

Fast forward to this morning.

My thoughts in the morning are always more depressed and pessimistic then those at night. Fear physically gripped me to the point of shaking. The visceral question “What are you doing?” raced through my head before I even had to chance to remember what I was doing and why I needed to question it.

I feel as though I’m standing on the edge of a precipice. Black swirling clouds billow infinitely in front of me and I can see no evidence that when I step out I’m not just going to fall forever. Faith demands I take a step and as I move out I can see one step at a time. My steps are lit only where I am, making each step clear only after I have committed to the action. I have little doubt that at the end of this journey, if I truly commit, I will find something magnificent and mysterious awaiting discovery amidst the clouds. A palace of possibilities lingers just beyond the familiar and safe.

So I’m stepping out. I’m terrified, but I’m excited and though I’ll face doubt daily, I’m ready.

I’m curious what will come of this time. Will this spur on a life of whimsy and adventure or will I crawl back to my boss in a month’s time with my tail between legs and beg for mercy? I don’t know. The only thing I know is this,

The future is a mystery and I intend to solve it.